Marriage and Family: Part 1

Okay! So, for my marriage and family class, I am doing a project about... Marriage and family! Surprising, I know. As a heads up, I will be including my own thoughts about some matters that have several different opinions from others, so please try to be respectful. This post will have several different sections relating to family and marriage, and I hope you like it! :)

Did I Marry the Right Person?

                In our current day and age, we can get so caught up in the moment, no matter what the situation, and we can make decisions that we immediately regret. I have heard so many stories about people saying "YES!" to marry someone, and then the second after they did it, they regretted it. Or I have heard of people knowing they had made the wrong choice after they were married.

                So, how do you know that your true love really is your true love?

                Personally, I think you should talk about marriage together before getting engaged. If you can imagine yourself spending the rest of your life with that person, then go for it!

                I also think it is pretty important for you to really know each other. Know how your future spouse treats their parents, siblings, animals, older people, and children. The way they treat others can greatly reflect how they will treat you in certain situations. Learn how they react when they are stressed, do they lash out, or are they more collected? By testing them, seeing how they act in certain situations you can have a better vision for how they will treat you as time goes on.

                You should also get to know your future spouses family. Are they close? Are they distant? Can you tell they love each other and usually have a good time? The actions of the family will not necessarily affect your future spouse and their actions, but it can affect their thought process and parenting skills.

                I think a very important conversation to have before getting engaged is the talk about families. Do he/she want a family? When does he/she want to start on a family? If you are someone who has always wanted to be a parent, it is important that your future spouse feel the same way.

                I believe that a spouse is someone who will help you be a better person, they will encourage you to do your best. They won't judge you, or your past. Sometimes we have this expectation for our futures and the people in it and it can be hard when they don't have the exact life or back-story that we want, but your future spouse should be someone who is willing to love you despite what you have been through. Your future spouse should be supportive of your goals and dreams; they shouldn't shoot them down or mock them. You should feel comfortable being your true self around your future spouse, if you feel as if you are putting on a face, then you may be scared that they won't truly accept you, which is not a good foundation for marriage. Can you imagine putting on that face every second of every minute of every day for the rest of your life?

                Pure love shows trust, sacrifice, and passion. You want that in your future spouse, not something that is "sort of, kind of" like that. 

Happy Wife, Happy Life?

                More like happy marriage, happy life. Spencer W. Kimball once said "While marriage is difficult, and discordant ad frustrated marriages are common, yet real, lasting happiness is possible, and marriage can be more an exultant ecstasy than the human mind can conceive. This is within the reach of every couple, every person."

                A happy marriage has a good foundation. This foundation includes commitment, love, friendship, respect, and patience.

                The job of the husband is to love the wife, and the job of the wife is to love the husband.

                I think it can be so easy today to focus on the negative in everything, whether it be the weather, your car, jobs, friends, or even your spouse, we have a tendency to recognize the things that we believe need to be fixed. However, it is not our job to critique our spouse and tell them everything they do wrong and provide ways for improvement; our job is to love our spouses.

                It is hard to have a happy, healthy relationship when you don't have a love for yourself. I know this is something I struggle with personally, thinking I am not good enough for other people. The first step to loving someone else is to love yourself; otherwise you will have difficulty believing they actually love you. If you do not see yourself as beautiful, you will not believe others when they tell you that you are. So you need to start loving yourself before you love other people, if you don't you can be more subject to comparing yourself to them, or even comparing them to others because you are so used to comparing things.

                On that note, to have a healthy and happy marriage you should not be comparing your spouse to others. Yes, someone may be better at dishes or communication or feet rubbing, but that does not mean they are perfect. We often find ourselves looking on the lives of others and assuming everything is great and dandy, but we need to remind ourselves that what we may see is only the surface. Everyone has something that is a trial or struggle for them, they just may be better at hiding it. So don't compare your spouse to others, you never know the whole story.

                You should continue "dating" after you get married. It can be common to stop dating your spouse after marriage and just fall into a stale routine. However, not very much love can come out of that stale routine. KEEP DATING! Surprise your wife with flowers, or get dressed up for a night out. Notice the small things your spouse does instead of taking them for granted. You appreciated them when you were dating, why should you stop? I know it can be difficult to keep dating after you have children and a family, but it can be done.

                Gottman recommends spending five hours a week strengthening your relationship. Do activities together, whether you take a walk down memory lane and go to the restaurant where you had your first date or if you try something new and exciting, do activities together.

                Gottman suggests learning something that happened in your spouse's life each day, having a stress-reducing conversation every night (I have been told before to never go to bed angry at your spouse), do something special each week to show how much you love and appreciate your spouse, and to have a weekly date.

                I cannot stress enough how important it is to keep dating after you are married. Dating after you are married helps you remember why you got married in the first place, it reminds you why you love your spouse so much and can help create such a happy and loving environment for you and your spouse, you family, and even those who come to visit.

                Happy marriage, happy life. 

The Truth about Marriage

                Okay, so I know I just told you all to have a super happy marriage, but in all honesty, it won't always be super great and happy and perfect. Am I right? Marriage is hard, families are hard, but that does not mean we should give up.

                Divorce rates in the U.S. are higher than most other countries, but there are some serious effects and problems related to divorce.

                First, it can seriously affect the children, trust me. Also, it has been scientifically found that divorced men have a stronger smoking habit (which is really unhealthy), and the whole process of marriage, then divorce, then child-care, single parenthood, and child support is EXPENSIVE.

                So really try your hardest to make your marriage work, you should not go into it with the mindset that if you screw up, you can just try again because it will not be that easy.

                Marriage is hard. You are now living with someone who grew up in a completely different home who does things a completely different way and who may have some habits you're not too fond of. But that does not mean you should just give up.

                Let's say that your husband does the laundry in a way that you think is totally wrong, he puts the soap on top instead of on the bottom. Instead of getting annoyed and frustrated with him about this, talk to him about it, and explain to him why you think the soap should go on the bottom instead of the top. That way, he knows what you are thinking and has heard your side.

                Your husband or wife is not a mind reader, no matter how much you may wish they were.

                Now, let's talk about habits. Sometimes you don't see the true person until after marriage, and when that happens, it can be difficult. They may use too much toilet paper, or they may never clean up after themselves, or you may feel as if they neglect you for other things, like work or sports or games. Like I said before, talk to them about it, otherwise they will never know how you feel. You may think you are great at communicating just through facial expressions and by giving the cold shoulder or making your husband sleep on the couch, but if they have been doing these habits their whole lives, they honestly won't see anything wrong with said habits. So you must tell them, and communicate with them, or they will never know that it bothers you. Communication is key in relationships, and that doesn't end when you get married, in fact, I think it becomes even more important.

                Marriage and love is about sacrifices, you cannot be completely selfish in a marriage. I am not saying that you need to give up everything about yourself, but I am saying that now there is someone else for you to take care of and care about and you cannot always be putting yourself ahead of them. If you need food for your family, you cannot use that money to go and get your hair and nails done. If your child is going to college and you need to pay tuition, you cannot use that money for a vacation. There is more than one person you need to think about now, and you cannot always focus on you.

                I know this is difficult to accept, and I know I will struggle with it, but sometimes in marriage you may need to put your own dreams on hold.

                Look at the movie Up. In Up, Carl and Ellie have this dream of going to South America; they have had this dream since they were kids, right? Well, things happen to them in their lives, like car accidents and repairs, illness, trying to start a family, and these things sort of postpone their dreams. However, Ellie never regretted putting her dream on the back-burner to take care of these other things, even though the other things were not things she enjoyed or didn't go according to plan.

                Like I said, marriage is about sacrifices, and while it can be difficult and hard, I know that God doesn't give us something he knows we can't handle with His help. You should never give up on your marriage because it is too difficult, or you don't want to try. You should always try your hardest and know that when you feel as if you are losing all hope, turn to God because I know he will help. 

Equality in Marriage

                First, let's define equality. Most people view equal as being identical to each other, same benefits, and same resources. However, equality in a marriage does not mean that. Now, I know what some of you are thinking, and before you start going on a feminist rampage, here me out. Equality in a marriage means of one heart and one mind.

                Guys and girls do have different roles in marriage and parenting. It is just how it is. Women have more care and maternal instinct; they are loving and protective and have the magical ability to calm down and sooth babies. Men are more protective and guarding.

                However, I do believe that there can be a lovely balance in your marriage and family.

                In order to have this great balance, I think both the mom and the dad need to work together in the family and communicate well between each other in all situations.

                Personally, I think having an equal partnership will only help you have a happier marriage. With an equal partnership, ideally, you will both be supporting each other, you will have better communication, and there will be more trust and respect.

                Having an equal partnership can also strengthen relationships with children. If your children feel respect and trust for both of you, they will be more likely to come to you both with life issues and questions instead of just going to one parent, or not going to a parent at all. In my own life, I always felt comfortable talking to my parents about life and asking them questions about life because they were always open and honest.

                I want to be clear about this; I personally do not believe that only the man or father in the marriage and family can work.  I think many people believe that the mom is supposed to stay home and care for the kids while the dad goes and brings home the money, but I believe that there is still a way for a mom to work while still being a mother. Whether that means actually working and being paid for it or just volunteering and serving others, I do believe there can be a way.

                Growing up, my dad worked while my mom stayed at home with us kids. However, she did not become a Stepford wife and spend her time baking us pies and cookies and wearing an apron. She slept in; she let us get ready for school by ourselves with some help from her. She also volunteered at our schools the whole time we went to school, working in the PTA or with the choir and drama departments. She watched other kids after school and really was an example to me growing up.

                There are so many ways a mother can also work while still being a mother, remember that. Marriage equality is important, but it does not mean that the man is in charge of everything and that the woman stays at home and does nothing. It truly means of one heart and one mind, so work together as a couple to figure out what works best for you.

Love in the Family

One of the most important things in my life is the relationship I have with my parents. My parents are not just the people who raised me and pay for stuff for me, they are also some of my closest friends, they are my mentors, and they are my teachers and my support. I honestly do not know where I would be without my parents in my life.

However, I know that this is not the case for every family. Some parents can be distant, preoccupied, or sometimes even neglectful.

And in all honesty, I cannot imagine that. I cannot imagine growing up without a good relationship with my parents. Now, I am not saying that everything was always perfect, but looking back on my life where I am at right now, I know that they tried their hardest, and that everything they did was out of love, even if I did not realize it at the time.

However, my parents were not the only loving people I had in my life, I also had my grandparents.

Stereotypically, grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandchildren rotten, and bake them cookies and give them money, right? Well, sometimes it does not always work like that, but that does not mean that there can’t be a good relationship between grandchildren and grandparents.

I remember when I was younger, we would go to my grandparents’ house in Kent. We would go for dinner, and my sisters and I would play dress up with all the fun, magical things they had. We would put on fake pearls, and boas, and pretend we were at the opera, using the binoculars like Anastasia does in the movie. Then, when we were leaving, my Granda would give us all some gum, and my favorite was the green gum, spearmint.

We did not always get money or presents when we saw our grandparents, both sets, but we did get little things that reminded us they loved us. They would give us gum, or little snacks, or make our favorite dinner. Grandparents can play such a huge role in the lives of their grandchildren. They can be our best friends, the people who spark our imaginations, they can be our storytellers, and they can show us what it means to love, unconditionally.

Well, I hope everyone enjoyed this post! Stay tuned for the second part of it! :) 

XOXO, Sydney