CHRISTmas

If we are being honest here, I did not feel very Christmasy this year. Christmas is my favorite holiday, but this year just felt different for some reason.

This year, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints published a video called “A Savior Is Born”. The video shares the story of Christ’s birth. Each year, the Church publishes a new video, and each year I cry. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, has done and continues to do so much for each of us, and I frequently forget all that He does for me.

So, in order to remember the real reason for this holiday, here is a list of 25 things Christ has given to me.

Gifts from Christ:

1.       The Gospel

Honestly, I have no idea where I would be without this gospel in my life. This gospel has helped me learn who I am, who I can be, and who I want to be. This gospel has given me friends, family, and so much joy.

2.       My Family

Because of Christ, I am able to be with my family for eternity. Yes, sometimes they drive me bonkers, and yes, we are a little bit crazy, but I love my family so much. It is only because of my Savior that I am able to have such wonderful people in my life.

3.       Love

Christ’s love means more to me than almost anything. His love has helped me through some of my darkest times, and has helped those around me. I remember one time, on my mission my companion and I were walking around, trying to find some people. We saw this woman on the street who looked completely distraught. We went up to her, saying who we were, and asked if there was anything we could do. She said we could pray for her. So, being missionaries and being prompted by the Holy Ghost, we said a prayer with her right there, and I know through that prayer, she felt of Christ’s love for her.

4.       The Holy Ghost

Honestly, I would probably be lost in some remote place on the earth if it weren’t for the Spirit. I LOVE THE GIFT OF THE HOLY GHOST. It is through the promptings of this gift that I make decisions in my life, even small ones. This gift helps me stay on the path Heavenly Father has for me.

5.       Forgiveness

Guys, I screw up all the time. People like to say things to others like, “You’re so perfect!” But none of us is. We all make mistakes and suck, but Christ forgives us of our mistakes. It is through his forgiveness that we can have true and everlasting happiness in our lives.

6.       Strength

The strength we can all receive through the atonement of Jesus Christ is absolutely wonderful. Whether we are going through trials that are physical or emotional, He can provide us the strength to endure those trials, and endure them well.

7.       My Home

Where would we even be without Christ? We would not have this wonderful world to live on. I am so grateful for this earth and where I live, my home. It is a place for me to draw closer to Christ.

8.       Desire to Learn

Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ definitely provided me with a desire to learn. This desire has led me to experience more compassion towards others, and after learning of certain cultures, a deeper understanding of them grows.

9.       Modern Technology

Okay, so, this one may seem random, but I love the gift of modern technology. I have no sense of direction, and rely on a GPS to get me nearly everywhere. If I were born in a time without a GPS, or social media to keep up to date with friends and family, I would not survive.

10.   Good Food

I love baking and cooking and just being in the kitchen. One of the gifts Christ has given me is the talent of cooking and living in a day and age where there is so much variety among food, and I am very grateful for that.

11.   Service from Others

For those of you who know me, I love serving others, and am absolutely awful at accepting service. Yes, I am hypocritical. We all are. But, I really do appreciate it when others serve me. It lets me know that they care about me, and also that Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know what is going on in my life.

12.   Prayer

I have no clue what I would do in my life if I couldn’t pray to my Savior. Prayers is our way to talk with Jesus Christ and our Father in Heaven, and we all need that. There have been times where my prayers are of pure gratitude, some when I need guidance, and sometimes, honestly, I let out some of my anger and misunderstandings. Prayer is there for us to communicate with them, and it is such a wonderful gift.

13.   The Ability to Laugh

I am a weird person, and sometimes, I can be excruciatingly awkward. But, thanks to Christ, I have the ability to laugh at myself. Honestly, I think I am so funny and most of the time it is because I am so stupid.

14.   Agency

Christ gave each of us agency to be able to make our own decisions. What would happen if we wanted to go right but someone else made us go left? Without this ability to make decisions, we would never be able to learn and progress.

15.   Light

Christ gave us each the gift of light in many different senses: physical light, like sunlight, stars, and a lightbulb. However, He also gave us an internal light, and emotional one I sometimes think of it, to guide us and help us without choices. This light reminds us to do good and to be as Christlike as we can be on this beautiful earth.

16.   Wanderlust

Christ gave me the desire to explore the world. This desire helps me learn of other cultures and appreciate the world even more.

17.   Religious Freedom

Christ has given us the wonderful opportunity to have religious freedom, to worship whom we want without fear of persecution. I am grateful for this gift from Christ, for the ability I have to worship Him freely and openly, and for the opportunity others have to worship whom they choose to worship without being discriminated against.

18.   Comfort

Christ comforts each of us through all we go through, as long as we are willing to let Him

19.   Music

Sometimes, music can do more to help than anything else can. Christ has given each of us this gift, and I know that music has been an anchor and guidance in my life through difficult times.

20.   Curiosity

Along with my desire to learn, Christ has given me curiosity. I do sometimes question parts of my life, but because of this curiosity, I am able to learn more of who Christ is in my own life. This questioning leads to a deeper understanding of what I am questioning, and has definitely helped strengthen my testimony.

21.   The Scriptures

Guys, the scriptures are SO AMAZING. They truly are the words of Christ here on the earth today, for each of us to read. The scriptures are gifts from the Lord, guidance for our days, help when we need it, and answers for our prayers.

22.   Trials

Where would we all be without trials or afflictions? These hardships may suck at the time, trust me, I get it, but these trials also help us learn and grow and become more like our Father in Heaven.

23.   The Temple

I love the temple so much. It is the Lord’s house; it is a refuge and a strength. There have been times when I have felt lost, unsure, or scared, and I went to the temple and there receive answers, guidance, comfort, and confidence to go and do what the Lord and the Savior needed me to do.

24.   The Atonement

The Atonement gives us everything. Without it, we could be nothing, do nothing. Because of the Atonement, we can be forgiven, receive strength, gain understanding, and once again be born and live with our Father and Savior for eternity. Christ’s Atonement is one of the greatest gifts of all.

25.   His Example

Christ is out example, or should be our example in all that we do. He is the ultimate example of a sibling, a son or daughter, a friend, a teacher, and a learner. When we live our lives as Christ lived His, we will experience kindness and everlasting joy.

Honestly, all we have are given to us through Christ. I invite everyone to remember why it is we have these gifts, and to find ways to try to give back to our Savior.

XOXO,

Sydney

Black Friday

Sooooo, remember how I am kind of an awkward person? Well, I feel like I haven't shared an awkward story in a while, so buckle down and grab the popcorn, because here it comes.

I had the opportunity to drive home, from Idaho, for Thanksgiving. I love home, and I love my family, so of course I jumped on this chance. The drive there was wonderful, and Thanksgiving was great. I woke up, helped with dinner, chatted with family, listened to Adele, laid on the couch with my pants unbuttoned, the whole thing. 

However, what happened the next day will live with me forever. I awoke on this year's Black Friday feeling well rested and well fed. Life was good, great even. Then, when I walked downstairs, my little brother threw up. That was fine, whatever, shake it off. 

Until he threw up again. And I mean, projectile vomited all over the counter and the floor. It was nasty, and chunky, and all around the color brown. And being the awesome older sister I am, I cleaned it up. That's what you do when you love people, you clean up the gross bodily fluids that come out of their mouths for a disturbing second trip. 

After that, we decided to go shopping after all the crazies would be gone (we are no longer fans of early morning shopping, for which I blame Black Friday shopping in Utah). We, as a family minus the sick little brother and my dad, went to the mall, and basically walked into a part of Heaven when Old Navy was 50% off. Seriously, it was the best thing of that day and it was beautiful and I wish I could go back. 

So really, the day began on a great note. OLD NAVY, MY FAVORITE STORE, WAS HAVING THIS HUGE SALE. What could go wrong? 

And that is when I felt it. A low, slow rumble in my stomach. I ignored it, and went about the rest of my day. 

By about 7:00 that night, I was feeling gross, and I mean, wanna be wrapped up in a blanket and left on the floor gross. But then my mom said these two magical words to me: Hobby Lobby. Guys, I love Hobby Lobby. I am not a crafty person, but I love crafty looking things, so Hobby Lobby is my place. I consider it one of my top ten happy places, preceded by the temple, home, Deseret Book, Target, and Old Navy. So, yeah, I chose to go to Hobby Lobby. I wrapped myself up in my blanket, claimed the front seat of my sister's car, and off we went. 

Seeing the store sign caused a glow in my heart, a flicker of hope in my eyes as I forgot the worries of school and finals and the inevitable future. None of that mattered, not now that I was here. I left my blanket in the car, because I'm an adult, and followed my mom, sister, and niece into the best store. 

Then, it hit me. I was searching for a printables book, and after finding and grabbing it, I felt it. It. You know what I am talking about, that feeling. That feeling you get deep in your stomach and in the middle of your throat when you know you are about to lose all of your stomach, and not through the bottom half. I quickly found my mom and sister, handed them the book, and asked where the bathroom was. 

"The front of the store," my sweet, innocent mother said.

I ran. Actually, it probably was not running, but it was a very fast walking pace, like those grandmas you see at the gym. 

I could see the bathroom sign, never before had a blue sign with a woman in a dress looked so beautiful to me in my entire life. I was in the middle of the Christmas aisle, surrounded by ornament and decorated, lighted trees, when it happened. 

I threw up.

I tried to stop it, using my hands to block it from escaping my mouth, but it was like a waterfall, or Miley Cyrus, it couldn't be stopped. Due to my inability to be coordinated, and just being dealt with poor luck, it somehow went up my nose, onto my glasses, and still all over the floor and my clothes. 

I was a mere two yards away from the one place it is okay to throw up in. Filled with shame and embarrassment, I approached two workers, covered in my own bile, and informed them that I had thrown up. 

However, my family was not finished shopping, so I walked around the beautiful store covered in vomit and smelling awful. The workers were talking about it on their fancy walkie-talkies, and the one worker who knew it was me kept asking if I was pregnant. I assured her I was not, and then she laughed. 

They ended up blocking off that area, barricading it with cardboard gates that read, in large red letters "DO NOT ENTER". 

So, there you have it. Sometimes bad things happen to decent people in their favorite stores, but at least I had a funny story to share when it was over. 

One Year Later

One year ago today I returned home from my mission. I woke up this morning thinking, "Yikes, has it really been a year?"

One year ago today the car wouldn't start in the morning. We scrambled, on edge and emotional trying to get to the mission office.

One year ago today I was told by my mission president to go to a burger joint in Seattle to get his favorite meal.

One year ago today I was scared of returning home. I was scared of disappointing my family, my friends, and my Heavenly Father.

One year ago I started crying in the middle of the security line in the Baltimore airport as I realized I was alone for the first time, and leaving people I dearly loved.

One year ago today I called my mom during a layover to let her know I would be coming in late, and heard my little brother in the background. When I asked why he was there and not at school, my mom said "He was worried we would leave to pick you up without him, so he decided to stay home the whole day."

One year ago, I was at my lowest point.

Coming home early from my mission was not something easy for me. I did not want to leave the Hedgesville Ward, the wonderful people, and my amazing companion. But I knew I needed to.

So, let's talk about everything that has happened since coming home. First, I learned what I really want to do in my life: teach, which is kind of funny since I always felt like I was the worst teacher on my mission. I've also gotten a new niece and a nephew, and they are both the cutest things ever. I have made amazing friendships that have helped me grow as a person, as each of those people is an example to me in so many ways.

However, coming home was a huge reality check for me. I realized that anxiety and depression is not something people should go though alone. Coming home, I was told I had to go see someone from LDS Family Services about my experiences, and I did. I know going to get help can be scary, but it can be the biggest blessing.

I also learned how to rely on my Father in Heaven. I was so angry when I got home, I did not want to do anything because I felt like I did not have the right to, like I didn't deserve to. I said my prayers, but many of them went along the lines of "I am pretty upset that this is happening right now and I don't understand why." However, as I have learned to actually rely on the Lord, to give Him all my weaknesses and shortcomings and ask for them to be turned to strengths, I have realized that we are not here on this earth to understand every part of our lives. We are here to learn, and we can only do that through the different trials we go through. Relying on my Heavenly Father has taught me that I am still his child, He still loves me, and believes I deserve good things in this life, and the life to come.

Today, I woke up to my alarm to get ready for school.

Today, I laughed with my friends in class and smiled.

Today, I felt better about life. I knew that good things have happened and will continue to happen.

XOXO Sydney

PS: What kind of post would this be without pictures?! So here are some from my mission, and some from now. Also, if you want more information about different experiences from this past year, feel free to go further back in the blog. :)

Progression

This past Sunday, I had the opportunity to see one of my favorite families (they were all my favorites, let's be real) in Utah. I had not seen this family in about 10 months, since I left their house the night before I left my mission, since I almost broke down in their house saying goodbye, and ran into the apartment before saying goodbye to the mom so I didn't start crying again. I felt like I cried too much on my mission, which I did.

Let's just get this out there, even though I feel like most people know by now. I had to come home because of my anxiety and depression. It is something I have struggled with for most of my life, and I thought I would be fine, but that is not how it worked out. It got worse with each week, and I continued to feel isolated and different. My companion and the ward members, as well as my mission president and his wife, were loving, kind, supportive and patient, but I was getting annoyed and angry with myself. I kept asking myself, and the Lord, why I wasn't getting better, why I was doing this to myself.

Eventually, three months into my mission, I had to return home. That day was one of the worst days of my life. I tried to hold myself together, tried not to cry, and I did pretty great. My anxiety and depression had numbed me enough that I didn't cry saying goodbye to my companion, or my mission president, or the other missionaries. I lost it when I was by myself though. I was standing in the security line in the Baltimore airport, and I started crying.

For the first time in three months, I was actually alone. I did not have a companion, I did not have other missionaries around me. I was alone.

The months after coming home were terrible. I wanted to go back out, I wanted to be a missionary again, I wanted to ignore what was going on with me, emotionally, and act like nothing was wrong. This did not work out very well for me. The anxiety and depression only got worse, and finally, I had to go and get help.

Let's fast forward to now, because the story of my life is not that interesting. I am now back in school, and I feel happier, lighter, and closer to God. When I saw this family on Sunday, the mom kept looking at me and saying, "You look so happy, it is so good to see you happy again." And she was right, I am happy again. It's not that I wasn't happy again, it was just a minority in all of my emotions. I looked at her, smiling, and said, "Yeah, there has been a lot of progress since my mission."

Since coming home, I have admitted that I just cannot control everything. I have gained new, amazing friends who support me, and love me, and reconnected with older friends. I have met people who have shown me what it means to be Christ-like. However, what has helped me the most has been learning truly how to rely on the Lord, to go to Him with everything and anything, and be real with Him. He knows who we are, what we go through, and what is wrong with us. He has provided ways for us to experience happiness and progression in this life, like the scriptures, or His servants. I have found the most comfort in going to the temple and getting priesthood blessings.

It can be difficult to feel better when you find yourself filled with darkness, an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy and anxiety, but I know it can be done. You can strengthen your relationship with your Father in Heaven, and as you do so, you will feel better.

I know this post was kind of heavy, but I wanted to get it out there.

XOXO Sydney

Fathers

Well, today is Father's day. I want to talk about two different types of fathers here.

First, earthly fathers. I am so thankful for my dad. He is seriously my hero, he has taught me who I am, what I deserve, and more importantly, who I am with my Heavenly Father.

My dad used to read us to sleep every night. He is the best at reading stories. We didn't get the typical bedtime stories, it was always Lord of the Rings, or Chronicles of Narnia, and as I grew older, Harry Potter. He would change his voice for each character, and because he found such great love in it, I grew to love books and reading.

There have been many mistakes in my life, and my dad has been there for me no matter what. He encourages me to be a better person. My grandfathers are also amazing. They are hardworking, loving, and patient with me. They encourage me in all I do, and support all of us grandchildren.

These amazing men in my life have taught me what I want for my future through their amazing examples.

However, we don't only have earthly fathers. We also, each, have a loving and patient Father in Heaven. Our Heavenly Father loves us so much He sent His son to atone for our sins, to die for us, so that we can repent and return to live with them again. He places people in our lives to guide us, strengthen us, and love us. He gives us trials so we can learn, and no matter what, He is always there for us. No matter what we do, how badly we mess up, He is there for us, listening to our cries, reaching down to help us.

I want us all to take time this day to express our thanks to our earthly fathers, but also to our Father in Heaven, who loves us more than we can possibly comprehend. Happy Father's Day to all the dads out there!!

XOXO, Sydney

20 Things to Reflect On

This past week was my 20th birthday (yay, I am slowly growing into my personality!!). So, here is a list of twenty things I have learned while I have been on this earth.

1. Though you may hope, people cannot (and probably will never be able to) read your mind. Even when it's awkward, you need to state your feelings or emotions for people. They may get offended or upset, or even embarrassed, but it will be better in the long run.

2. When surfaces are hot, DO NOT TOUCH THEM. Your body will be very upset with you. And on that note...

3. Wear your sunscreen! A year ago, I wanted to feel all cool like the rest of my family, so I didn't wear any sunscreen. The day was overcast, so I figured I wouldn't need to. Well, I was completely wrong. I ended up getting the worst sunburn of my life, and to this day, I still have distinct lines of my back from it. So, be safe and wear your sunscreen.

4. Laugh at yourself: life will get ridiculous, and painfully embarrassing, and you'll only be able to get through it when you're willing to laugh at your own stupidity. I mean, it's something I have to do ever day.

5. Sometimes, all you can do when life gets rough is eat some ice cream and watch some movies. Afterwards, you may feel better, you may feel worse, but at least you got some ice cream.

6. Do not go outside in the winter with wet hair. If you do, it will break and fall off at times, and it is pretty weird and uncomfortable.

7. Drink water, even when you think you don't need any. You'll be happier later if you do.

8. It's okay to get defensive over things. I get defensive about my sports teams, music, and whether or not Iron Man or Batman count as superheroes (they don't, they're vigilantes). It's okay to find something your passionate about and defend it.

9. FIND SOMETHING YOU ARE PASSIONATE ABOUT. It can be anything (well, not anything, find something good), and be passionate about it. It can be bikes, movies, rocks, plants, bands, WHATEVER, just be passionate about something.

10. It's okay to cry. Honestly, I spent probably 75% of my mission crying, happy crying, frustrated crying, sad crying, really all the kinds of crying. And at first, I was so embarrassed about it, but eventually I learned that it is just a part of who I am. So, it's okay to let the tears flow, even if you feel a little ridiculous.

11. You're most likely going to have at least one terrible, and I mean truly awful, haircut. Don't stress over it, it'll grow back.

12. Not everyone is going to like you. No matter how hard you try, you can't get everyone to agree that sometimes you can be a good person. So, learn from what others did not like about you, and find ways to keep becoming a better person.

13. When in doubt, dance it out.

14. You cannot buy friends, but you can bribe people to be your friends with some cookies or other baked goods. It sounds awful, but it's true...

15. Try to do something each day that scares you. I had a friend (shout-out to Sydney B!) who challenged me my senior year of high school to do something each day that scared me. I was like "heck no!", but I still did it. I have learned so much more about myself since that day.

16. Things are usually not as bad as you think they are. Okay, so, I suck at dating, right? And so when I have to talk about dating with people, or go on dates with people, I start over-analyzing everything about it (yay for anxiety). Well, I have learned that things are never really as terrible as I make them up to be. So don't sweat it.

17. Find something to believe in. I don't care if it is God, gods, the earth, a bug, whatever. Find something to believe in that helps you become a better person.

18. Serve others. It can be hard at times to have a desire to help others, but the reward is much better than anything you can imagine. Serving others can help you forget about your own problems, even for just a moment.

19. Be kind to all. Be nice to the waiter, to babies, to old people, to everyone. I mean, why wouldn't you want to be a nice person?

20. Learn to rely on the Lord, and be willing to use the Atonement of Christ. I used to think I was strong enough to handle things all by myself. Guys, that is so wrong. I could not have made it this far in my life without the gospel of Christ, and the Atonement. God loves us all so much, and we can turn to Him with everything. Honestly, I have asked God about so many different things: friendships, school, food even. And each time, He answers me. We need to rely on Him to make it through the trials we face, and remember that we can feel His love through the Atonement and repentance.

Well folks, there you go! There are twenty life lessons from yours truly.

XOXO, Sydney

She's Halfway There

                                                       (thanks for the picture Symone!)
Having a twin sister on a mission can be pretty difficult sometimes (or a lot of the time). There are so many times when I just wish I could call her to tell her a funny story, or a joke, or vent, or just to talk about pointless things. Sometimes, I just wish I could give her a hug, or listen to her wise words or wisdom. Having someone who has always been with me be gone for 18 months is hard.

However, even though it is hard, it is also so amazing. Since Lexi has been out, I have been able to notice a difference in her. She seems happier, calmer, kinder, and more outgoing. She speaks Spanish like it is no big deal, and she has learned how to mix patterns in her clothes (something that drove her CRAZY before).

Today, Hermana Alexis Stout has reached her halfway mark on her mission, in nine months she will be home. In nine months, she will be released as a full-time missionary for the LDS church. Some people comment on how crazy it is that people will just leave everything for a year and a half or two years, but it really goes by so quickly. I feel as though I just gave her a hug and started crying in our entry way back home at two in the morning.

Missionaries do not go and serve for the recognition, they go because they know the blessings the gospel of Jesus Christ can bring to others.

Lexi, I will see ya in nine months.

*to learn more about missionary work or The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, visit www.lds.org or www.mormon.org*