Progression

This past Sunday, I had the opportunity to see one of my favorite families (they were all my favorites, let's be real) in Utah. I had not seen this family in about 10 months, since I left their house the night before I left my mission, since I almost broke down in their house saying goodbye, and ran into the apartment before saying goodbye to the mom so I didn't start crying again. I felt like I cried too much on my mission, which I did.

Let's just get this out there, even though I feel like most people know by now. I had to come home because of my anxiety and depression. It is something I have struggled with for most of my life, and I thought I would be fine, but that is not how it worked out. It got worse with each week, and I continued to feel isolated and different. My companion and the ward members, as well as my mission president and his wife, were loving, kind, supportive and patient, but I was getting annoyed and angry with myself. I kept asking myself, and the Lord, why I wasn't getting better, why I was doing this to myself.

Eventually, three months into my mission, I had to return home. That day was one of the worst days of my life. I tried to hold myself together, tried not to cry, and I did pretty great. My anxiety and depression had numbed me enough that I didn't cry saying goodbye to my companion, or my mission president, or the other missionaries. I lost it when I was by myself though. I was standing in the security line in the Baltimore airport, and I started crying.

For the first time in three months, I was actually alone. I did not have a companion, I did not have other missionaries around me. I was alone.

The months after coming home were terrible. I wanted to go back out, I wanted to be a missionary again, I wanted to ignore what was going on with me, emotionally, and act like nothing was wrong. This did not work out very well for me. The anxiety and depression only got worse, and finally, I had to go and get help.

Let's fast forward to now, because the story of my life is not that interesting. I am now back in school, and I feel happier, lighter, and closer to God. When I saw this family on Sunday, the mom kept looking at me and saying, "You look so happy, it is so good to see you happy again." And she was right, I am happy again. It's not that I wasn't happy again, it was just a minority in all of my emotions. I looked at her, smiling, and said, "Yeah, there has been a lot of progress since my mission."

Since coming home, I have admitted that I just cannot control everything. I have gained new, amazing friends who support me, and love me, and reconnected with older friends. I have met people who have shown me what it means to be Christ-like. However, what has helped me the most has been learning truly how to rely on the Lord, to go to Him with everything and anything, and be real with Him. He knows who we are, what we go through, and what is wrong with us. He has provided ways for us to experience happiness and progression in this life, like the scriptures, or His servants. I have found the most comfort in going to the temple and getting priesthood blessings.

It can be difficult to feel better when you find yourself filled with darkness, an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy and anxiety, but I know it can be done. You can strengthen your relationship with your Father in Heaven, and as you do so, you will feel better.

I know this post was kind of heavy, but I wanted to get it out there.

XOXO Sydney